The Email Obama Should Have Sent After The Debate (via The New Republic)

I think we can all agree that last night’s debate was a joke, proven by the fact that even as a deeply concerned American I still found myself bored and struggling to pay attention as the two candidates picked apart the imaginary details of each others economic plans.  The highlights for me, didn’t come from the President or Governor but from the clever Twitter memes that emerged (see 2 posts prior).

Needless to say, I was disappointed in the President, who aside from not being armed with an arsenal of indisputable facts (see Clinton speech from the DNC) to combat Romney’s “yes if its popular, no if it isn’t” strategy, didn’t even seem to have a pulse.  It seemed as if Obama, poised to put Romney flat on his back, didn’t give a shit about even being there. #FAIL

So, while still wiping the wet mucous from the corner of my eyes this morning, I was a little dis-heartened to read an email from the President saying he hoped I was proud of the job he did last night and could I please spare $14 bucks, presumably to fix the transmission on his Dodge Neon.

(delete email, send malicious tweet shown below)

In hindsight, I should have addressed him as Mr. President in that Tweet. I’m sorry.  Anyway, I got to thinking about political spin and how no one, least of all a candidate would ever admit that he lost, because that would make it true, but he should have sent a different email this morning.  But, what should he have said? Well, David Rees of The New Republic took a stab at a more appropriate correspondence, which I have included below.  Enjoy.

SUBJECT: Holy shit did I fuck that up or what

David —

Hey. Please don’t delete this email out of spite before reading it. I just watched a tape of my debate with Governor Romney. Wow—did I blow it? Michelle’s a straight shooter, and she just told me Beyonce and Jay-Z probably aren’t going to be our friends anymore.

There’s not much time left in this campaign. That’s why it’s so weird that I let Governor Romney dominate every aspect of tonight’s encounter. He actually managed to come across as more empathic than I am. Mitt Romney! The man has all the charm of a bus schedule. Hey. What was I thinking?

Actually, I know exactly what I was thinking: “Just play a solid defensive game and give Romney enough room to make an ass of himself as he’s done with awe-inspiring consistency for the past few months.” Hey. It seemed like a solid strategy. But I understand if you’re probably asking yourself, Does Barack want this job or not? After all, I knew tens of millions of Americans would be watching the debate; I should have figured out a simple, punchy argument for my re-election — or, at the very least, a way to string two sentences together without risking a spontaneous, nationwide nap explosion.

Hey.

Couple more things. Hey. Watching the debate footage, I can’t get over Romney’s weird smile whenever I was talking. On the one hand, he looked like a used-car salesman trying to put his best face forward after popping the trunk for a customer and finding a corpse in the wheel well. On the other hand, as Michelle said before slamming the door in my face: “At least HE was trying.” He probably burned a month’s worth of calories keeping that grin in place. Undecided voters (ie. the biggest bunch of idiots on God’s green earth, but what can you do) will probably give him credit for deigning to act like he actually cares what people think of him. (He even deployed the Clinton Thumb of Emphasis! I wonder if Bill licensed that move to Romney, just to needle me?)

In contrast, Michelle was right when she said I looked like I was “auditioning for a mattress commercial and resenting every minute of it.”

The fact of the matter is, Romney had the easier argument to make: “Mr. President, you’ve had this job for four years and people are still hurting. Why should voters give you even more time?” Never mind that his plan for reducing the deficit is to cut funding for PBS! PBS, whose share of the budget is so goddamn small I’m surprised they can afford capital letters.

Maybe now I should admit that I spent 90% of my mental energy during the debate trying to solve the sodoku puzzles I smuggled on to my podium  I wish I hadn’t. I also wish I had countered any of the heaping shovelfuls of Rafalca-grade horseshit Mitt Romney kept flinging around the debate hall. What can I say? The Japanese make good number puzzles.

No more excuses. If you’ve ever donated to my campaign, expect a full refund via Federal Express in the next 24 hours, with my sincere apologies. I can’t justify—let alone explain—why I chose tonight of all nights to perfect my imitation of a barnacle sliding off the hull of a ship.

If you truly feel compelled to donate money this evening, please give to the candidate who actually acted like he wants the job:

(LINK TO MITT ROMNEY’S DONATION PAGE)

Sorry peeps,

Barack

PS: Hey. I always assumed Romney would smell like vanilla, but he actually reeked of butterscotch. How weird is that?

 

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Comments

  1. Christian Gani says:

    Yeah, it was pretty brutal. But keep this in mind…
    I’m no political strategist but I did hear that in every first debate for the past 40 years, the sitting President always lost ground to the challenger. I have to believe that some of Obama’s team knew this and were potentially keeping their bullets in the chamber for the next two. It could be plausible…but could also be trouble for Barack.
    Nice find.

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